


Excerpts from the Life and Death of Commander E. Shepard (Alliance SR-2)

by ChickPea92



Series: Kaidan Alenko & Ellen Shepard [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drug Addiction, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, Fist Fights, Friendship, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Sexual Tension, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-25 07:49:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3802492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChickPea92/pseuds/ChickPea92
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of fics centred around the life of Commander Ellen Shepard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fight

**Author's Note:**

> This series will be updated randomly and completely out of order until I deem it finished. The way they're being posted on Tumblr makes more sense; I apologise!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard fight it out on the Normandy.

James was leaning against his work bench watching his two superior officers fight it out for what seemed like hours. Neither one of them was backing down. The cargo bay was pretty crowded now with various crew members including Shepard’s inner circle. What had started out as an innocent sparring session had rapidly turned into something a bit more personal, and once word had spread among the upper decks of Major Alenko taking on the mighty Commander Shepard the elevator had been crammed with people clambering to get a glimpse of the fight.

Everyone else was just enjoying the match, a few taking some bets here and there. But James knew better, he’d been with them on Mars and seen the tension between the two of them. He wasn’t sure exactly what had gone on in their past but had guessed it was something to do with their time on the SR-1 together.

“Should we do something?” Liara murmured next to him, but she wasn’t talking to him, her question was aimed at Garrus who was on her other side. James understood her concern; they’d started to beat each other bloody. Shepard had blood trickling from her nose and the Major’s black eye was starting to show but they both had such fire in their eyes, he wondered if it was maybe even hate, and he doubted anyone could stop them.

“No.” Garrus finally answered Liara’s question. “I know it’s brutal but I think they need this. You didn’t see them on Horizon, or see her after it. I won’t lie part of me is enjoying watching him get his ass beaten by her anyway.” He saw what he assumed was a smirk on the Turian’s face. He had no idea what the reference to Horizon was but could only assume it had caused a lot of friction between the two soldiers.

He heard a thud and brought his focus back to the middle of the room and saw Alenko flat out on his back.

“Gotten slow in your old age, Major?” There was teasing in her voice but not on her face and the stone cold look she had sent shivers down James’ spine. The Major let out an unamused chuckle as he got up.

“Looks like Cerberus changed more of you than I thought.” James winced at the comment. That was a low blow and he knew it. Vega scanned the rest of the cargo hold to see if anyone else had heard and, judging by the animated chatter, everyone else must be too far away to hear them, too caught up in their own excitement.

“We gonna go there are we? What, you gonna call me a traitor again? Compare me to a fucking husk?” Shepard emphasised her last word with a swift blow to Alenko’s jaw causing him to stumble back a bit.

“I wasn’t the one doing the Illusive Man’s dirty work.” He kicked out at her legs but she was too quick, dodging him with ease.

“That’s not what happened. And if you’d actually stayed to listen to me, you’d know that.” Another right hook to Alenko’s face but he smacked it away.

“If you’d tried to contact me to let me know that you weren’t dead then maybe I would have known beforehand.” They continued to circle each other.

“Are you fucking kidding me? The Illusive Man said your files were too classified, which I know now was a lie, and Anderson just shot me down. He said since I wasn’t Alliance anymore I didn’t have the right to know.”

“And there’s the main problem. You weren’t Alliance, you sided with Cerberus.” He practically spat out the company’s name.

Shepard clenched her fists at her sides and scrunched her eyes shut.

“I can’t keep doing this with you anymore, Kaidan! We keep having the same God damn conversation over and over again!” She was shouting now. Her eyes flew open and there was such pain behind them. “But it doesn’t matter does it? Because no matter what I say all you’re going to see is the bitch who left you for Cerberus!”

The cargo bay had suddenly become eerily quiet. It seemed that their superior officers’ voices had grown loud enough for the rest of the crew to pay attention.

The two of them just stood there glaring at each other. The heaving breathing from their exertions was the only thing filling the silence that surrounded them.

“Alright everyone, show’s over, get back to your duties!” Garrus may not have officially been a commanding officer on the Normandy but everyone knew he was one of Shepard’s closest allies and knew to listen to him.

The crew uncomfortably filed back into the elevator with the last few squishing themselves in so as not to be left waiting awkwardly for it to come back down. The only ones who remained were Garrus, Liara and himself, along with Cortez who busied himself at the weapons bench.

The next words out of Shepard’s mouth were the coldest he’d ever heard.

“I wish I’d never saved you on Virmire.”

James heard Liara let out a quiet gasp and noticed that even the Major was taken aback by her almost emotionless jibe.

“I’m done here.” Alenko turned his back to the Commander and stalked towards the elevator.

“What? Turning your back on me again, Kaidan? What a surprise!” The Major didn’t look back as he pressed the call button. “Well, welcome aboard, _Major_. It’s fucking _fantastic_ to have you here!”

Kaidan stepped into the elevator leaving his back to the room before the doors closed. James turned back to look at Shepard and saw something he’d never thought he’d see.

Commander Shepard was crumpled on the floor on her knees with her head in her hands and she was...crying. Liara swiftly walked over and knelt down next to her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. She didn’t say anything, just held her. It was then that James realised that even the invincible Commander Shepard wasn’t immune to heart break.


	2. Eavesdropping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EDI wonders if it would be a good idea for the Major to listen in on the Main Battery for a while.

“Jeff, I have a question.”

“EDI, please don’t ask me another one of your elaborate philosophical questions about organics. You know I don’t know how to answer them, just wait for Shepard. Although I don’t know why you ask her because she’s probably more screwed up than most of us.” EDI turned to look at Joker. “Don’t tell her I said that.”

“Actually, Jeff, my question concerns the Commander herself.”

“Oh, okay...”

“Would it be ethically sound to eavesdrop on another person if it would help to resolve a personal issue?”

“Well…I guess it depends on the situation. Why?” Joker’s face lit up in excitement. “Oh! Are you eavesdropping on Shepard? I wanna listen!”

“Shepard is currently engaged in a private conversation with Garrus. It would not be polite to allow you to listen in.”

“What, I can’t listen but it’s totally okay for you to do it?” He scoffed at EDI. “Fine. Why are you even asking anyway?”

“The conversation currently transpiring in the main battery is in reference to Major Alenko. I believe both he and Shepard would benefit if the Major were to hear it.”

“I dunno, the Commander’s always been super private about her issues, this might just piss her off.”

“Understood, Jeff, I will not relay their current conversation into the starboard observation deck.”

Joker wished Shepard was able to convey her feelings like a normal person. Instead she often chose to take it out on something or, in Kaidan’s case, someone. He was pretty sure they hadn’t spoken to each other since the incident in the cargo hold and, honestly, the whole crew had been a little on edge around the two of them since then. He understood that things were pretty fucked up between them, especially after the mess that was Horizon, but he’d kind of assumed they’d get past it and get together again just like old times.

Joker thought about it for a moment before making his decision, hoping that Shepard wouldn’t blast him out the airlock later for it.

“Fuck it, do it.”

* * *

 

Kaidan stared lazily out of the window in the starboard observation deck wondering if he’d made a mistake asking Shepard to let him join the Normandy crew again. He thought they’d got past everything back in Huerta Memorial. Clearly she’d just been lying, but then considering the things he’d said back to her maybe he had too. He didn’t mean any of it. Sure, there was a time when he questioned whether it was really her in there or not and the blatant lies the Alliance had fed to him didn’t help, but he knew it was her. He couldn’t believe it took him to almost die to realise it.

He’d spent the whole time on Mars watching Shepard and couldn’t help but notice the different ways she did things in battle. She’d learnt new skills and become less cautious in a firefight, choosing to run into the heat of it rather than stay back in defence. She no longer bothered carrying a shotgun or sniper rifle and stuck to her assault rifle instead. All of these changes he used as evidence that it wasn’t really Shepard in there and that it was just some imposter posing as her. Not once did he consider that maybe she’d just changed over the past year they’d spent apart. Kaidan guessed that he didn’t want to accept that he didn’t know her anymore and he despised the fact that he couldn’t predict what her next move on the field was going to be.

But that one word. That one word she shouted with such emotion, such panic. Emotion he remembered seeing in her from their short time together. The same panic that gripped her whenever Kaidan was in danger.

_The grip on his throat was tight. His vision started to blacken. But he heard her._

_“No!”_

_And he knew. His Shepard was in there._

He was shaken out of his memory when his omni-tool pinged at him. A message from EDI: ‘Press to connect’. His curiosity got the better of him and he pressed the button. The room suddenly filled with a voice he could recognise anywhere.

“ _– shouldn’t be so hard on him, I know. Maybe it’s just in my nature_.” Another voice followed; Garrus.

“ _I just don’t get it, when I heard you’d let him back on the Normandy I assumed things were good between you now_.” Kaidan was more than confused.

“EDI, what is this?”

“You are listening to an exchange between Commander Shepard and Garrus Vakarian which is currently taking place in the main battery.”

“ _I know, know, so did I. Maybe it’ll never get sorted._ ”

“So you’re making me eavesdrop on their conversation? Turn it off!”

“As you wish, Maj – “ Joker’s voice butted in through the intercom.

“No! EDI leave it on. Kaidan, just listen to her.”

“ _Maybe if you tried talking to him instead of hitting him._ ”

“I’m not gonna listen in on their private conversation, Joker.”

“Well you two clearly aren’t gonna talk about your feelings any other way. If you just listen, maybe you’ll understand.”

Kaidan wasn’t going to lie; he was intrigued to hear what Shepard would say about him behind his back. He sighed in defeat.

“Alright, leave it on. But make sure neither of you are listening too!”

“Aw, you’re no fun, Kaidan.” The intercom clicked off and the sound of Shepard’s voice filled the room.

“ _Yeah, I guess asking to spar with him wasn’t one of my best ideas. It’s just something we used to do on the SR-1 and I thought maybe it would help._ ”

“ _Stop expecting things to go back to how they were. Too much has happened for that._ ”

“ _It’s just we’re no longer Shepard and Kaidan. Not even Commander Shepard and Lieutenant Alenko. It’s the disgraced Commander Shepard and_ Major _Alenko._ ”

“ _You resent him for his promotion?_ ”

Kaidan wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to that. It was clear when they first saw each other on Earth that she’d been surprised and confused by his new title, he was still getting used to it himself.

“ _No._ ” There was a brief pause. “ _Don’t give me that look, I really don’t. I’m actually proud of him. God knows he deserves it._ ”

That was something he never expected to hear and couldn’t help the small smile that pulled at his lips. He hadn’t realised how much it meant to him to do her proud.

“ _Unfortunately it’s just a constant reminder of the years apart and how his life just moved on without me._ ”

Is that was she thought? That he’d just moved on with his life? Dead or working for Cerberus she’d always been in the back of his mind. He’d tried to move on, went on a couple of failed dates with a doct – that’s why. He berated himself for putting that little detail in the message he sent Shepard while she was with Cerberus. He knew she’d think too much into it and so had deliberately mentioned it, hoping to piss her off. An immature thing for him to do but he was so angry, and his head so muddled, that he didn’t think about it too much.

Garrus continued their chat.

“ _That doesn’t mean the rest of his life can’t contain you._ _How will you ever know if you don’t ask him?_ ”

“ _I’m…afraid, Garrus. God, that sounds so stupid. Saren? No problem. Collectors? Piece of cake. Boyfriend troubles? Or is it ex-boyfriend? Either way, not a chance in hell._ ”

Kaidan had never considered the fact that the almighty Commander Shepard could ever be afraid of anything. He felt guilty for assuming she could handle whatever he threw at her. He should have known better, the night before Ilos she’d told him the truth about her past and all the things she’d done as part of the Tenth Street Reds, things that haunted her still to this day. He was naïve to think nothing could hurt her.

“ _Shepard, let me ask you a simple question: do you love Kaidan?_ ”

The silence was unbearable. Kaidan was tensing his whole body in suspense, dying to know the answer. He’d told her he loved her on Horizon. Past tense. Something he wished he’d never said because it was a lie and he’d never stopped loving her. Their time together on the SR-1 had been so short that he’d never had a chance to say those three little words. The Normandy felt too much like the Alliance and he knew that if she felt the same then she wasn’t going to say them there. He was waiting for shore leave and for the right moment when she could be completely relaxed.

He hated that the first time he told her he loved her, told her how he truly felt, that it was said with such venom.

“ _I…_ ” Kaidan felt his stomach drop. Of course she didn’t feel the same. “ _Of course I love him. I was afraid to admit it before. Too obsessed with Alliance regs. But with the way I reacted after Horizon I don’t think I can really deny it anymore, right?_ ”

He couldn’t believe it. After all this time she’d felt the same. He felt so relieved to finally know that his feelings weren’t one sided and didn’t try to hold back the grin that spread across his face. Garrus chuckled.

“ _Right. So how about you go and tell him._ ”

“ _I told him I wanted him to die on Virmire. I looked him right in the fucking eyes and told him I wished he was dead. What the fuck is wrong with me, Garrus?_ ”

Kaidan knew she hadn’t meant it. The whole situation in the cargo area had gotten completely out of hand.

“ _You’re hurting. So is he. I’m not gonna tell you again, go and talk to him._ ” Silence.“ _Now get out, I’ve got some calibrating to do._ ”

“ _I…I  can’t talk to him. I just can’t._ ”

He heard Garrus sigh, then the thud of boots walking away and the static from the speakers died.


	3. Late Night Talks and Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard finally have an honest discussion about Horizon. A little back story on Ellen too.

Shepard rolled over in her bed for what felt like the hundredth time. She had inevitably been awoken earlier in the night by her reoccurring dream, or was it a nightmare? Either way it plagued her every time she shut her eyes. The memories and voices of those left behind continued to haunt her; those she should have saved. She should have gone back for Ash, she should have insisted that Mordin left with her, she shouldn’t have let Thane fight Kai Leng. Part of her wished she could go back to how she was, not caring so much about her crew. Soldiers were expendable, they’d all signed up to this and they knew the risks, and she’d used them to get the job done on Torfan without a second thought. What she hadn’t expected was the murmured disapproval from the rest of the soldiers, even Anderson. Was it really a wonder why she was given the title Butcher of Torfan?

The voices refused to go away and Shepard only knew of one sure way to block them out. She’d been clean of the substances she’d taken on Illium since being put under house arrest, forced to go cold turkey. The temptation was there occasionally but never strong enough to do something about it. Alcohol on the other hand, that would do nicely right about now. She wasn’t addicted, just found it hard to stop once she got going, or at least that’s what she told herself.

Shepard grumbled and got to her feet to pull on a pair of joggers but left her top half in just a tank top. There was no point staying in bed any longer so she may as well make a hot drink and read over some reports. EDI must have noticed she was awake as the elevator doors slid open for her, allowing her to stumble in and lean against the rail. She pressed the button for the mess hall and waited for the doors to slide smoothly open again.

She was grateful to find the mess hall empty and trudged over to the kitchen area. Shepard wasn’t usually one for hot drinks so she had no idea where the mugs or coffee actually were. She opened a few cupboards to no avail before opening a small one near the floor. Inside, tucked in the back corner, was a large bottle of whiskey wrapped in a paper bag. She should have been annoyed at her crew for smuggling it in and keeping it in somewhere so public but all she could do was stare at it, entranced by its honey coloured liquid. Shepard could almost feel the little devil and angel sitting on her shoulders;

_One sip won’t hurt, go on, you deserve it._

She was ashamed at how quickly she gave into temptation. Just as her hand reached out to grab the bottle, ready to bolt back up to her cabin and drown herself in it, she heard the soft sound of footsteps behind her.

“Shepard?”

Kaidan. He always has to show up at the worst times. She sighed and slammed the cupboard door shut, standing up to face him.

“Kaidan. You’re up late.” She noticed he was still a little purple around his left eye from their intense sparring session the other day and turned back to the counter so as not to have to look at it anymore.

“I could say the same to you.”

“Yeah, I was just looking for coffee, or something.”

Kaidan walked over to the kitchen area to open the cupboard right next to Shepard’s head.

“Go sit down, I’ll make two cups.”

“No, I should get some sleep.” She knew he wanted to talk, that’s the only thing he ever seemed to want to do, but she wasn’t someone who particularly enjoyed talking about her feelings. She hated that sappy shit. She briskly made her way back to the elevator but the noise of Kaidan slamming two mugs on the counter made her stop in her tracks.

“How long are you gonna keep doing this, Shepard?” She turned round to see nothing but rage in Kaidan’s eyes. “I get that you’re not open about this kind of stuff, I really do, but there comes a point when you just have to suck it up and be an adult. I thought things were going well, especially after our talk in Huerta, but you avoid me at every opportunity. You invited me back on the Normandy but haven’t put me in your ground team since I came aboard! What the hell - ” Kaidan lowered his voice back down, aware that there were sleeping recruits only an earshot away. “What the hell am I even doing here?”

Shepard just stared at him with wide eyes, mouth slightly agape, completely lost for words. Kaidan didn’t often get angry but when he did she knew it was serious and this might be the most furious she’d ever seen him. A small part of her was actually afraid of him. She had so many things she wanted – _needed_ – to say to him but had no idea where to begin, but it was too late, Kaidan was already leaving.

“Fine. Since you seem so incapable of working through whatever it is that’s going on between us then I have no choice but to go back to the Citadel and accept Hackett’s job offer.”

No, she didn’t want this. The idea of him leaving her again hurt more than she could imagine; there’s no way she’d be able to go through that again. Shepard had to say something, it was now or never.

“You broke me, Kaidan.” Her voice was surprisingly calm and controlled and she could only hope it stayed that way. He stopped just in front of her, eyebrows knitted together in confused as he stared at her.

“I…I broke you?”

This wasn’t going to be an easy conversation. Kaidan was right, they need to talk about it, and endlessly avoiding him wasn’t going to work in the long term. She walked back to the kitchen counter to finish making the abandoned coffee, knowing it would be easier to tell him the things she’d kept inside this past year if she didn’t have to look at him.

“I’ve no doubt you’ve heard about all the stuff I did with Cerberus; all the shitty decisions I made, people I killed.” She heard the sound of a chair moving behind her and assumed Kaidan had sat down. “I did all that stuff because I lost faith in the good of humanity. I thought if you, Kaidan Alenko, one of the most honest, dedicated and… _kind_ soldiers I’d ever met could turn their back on me, then why wouldn’t anyone else? You were the one person I trusted more than anyone and you called me a traitor.”

Shepard poured the coffee into the two mugs and continued.

“So, I guess I kind of thought ‘what’s the point in trusting anyone in this galaxy if Kaidan can’t trust me?’ It became a game of shoot first, ask questions later. Kill anyone who got in my way and do whatever the fuck I wanted, basically.”

She brought the coffee over to the table where Kaidan was sitting, still refusing to make eye contact with him. She sat down opposite him and waited for him to respond. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes.

“Shepard, you can’t blame your decisions on me, that’s not fair.”

“I know, I’m not. Believe me I did at the time, you were a convenient excuse to make terrible decisions, but in the end I made those choices because I wanted to.”

She sipped at the steaming cup of coffee and was surprised at how easily the words flowed from her mouth. Maybe she should have done this a long time ago. She let Kaidan talk.

“I don’t know what you expected from me on Horizon. I mourned you for two years and suddenly you show up and act like nothing’s happened. I was never going to go with you, you must have known that.”

“Yeah, I was naïve at the time to assume you’d come with me. That’s not what bothers me, what bothers me is that you assumed I never tried to contact you. It’s like you thought I woke one day and decided to go work for Cerberus. I mean, for God’s sake Kaidan,” Shepard could feel the anger rising in her as the memories and feelings flooded back to her, “I told you I was in a coma and you didn’t even care!”

“Wait, that’s not – “

 “No, shut up, I’m not finished.” She saw him visibly wince at her anger. He was the one who brought it up, if he didn’t want her to be like this then he shouldn’t have insisted they talk about it. She tried to calm herself down a little at least. “The first question I asked when I had the chance, after I woke up alone in a fucking Cerberus lab, was where you were. It felt like that was the only question I ever asked and I never got an answer. So of course the things you said to me were going to piss me off because they weren’t even true.”

Now it was Kaidan’s turn to avoid eye contact and Shepard couldn’t help feeling victorious. She’d wanted to say these things for so long, wrote them down for him to read one day before losing the files to Cerberus. She closed her eyes and it felt as though a huge weight had finally been lifted off her shoulders. She hadn’t realised what a burden it had been to carry around these pent up feelings towards him and felt such a sense of relief.

“I really fucked up, didn’t I?” She could hear the pain in his voice and instinctively stretched a hand across the table to hold his own.

“I wasn’t lying in the hospital; I do want to get past Horizon. I’d kind of just like to forget everything I did since I woke up.” Shepard offered him a small smile and it only grew when Kaidan returned it.

She felt him rub a thumb over her knuckles, a gesture that felt so familiar to her from their days on the first Normandy. They sat like this for a while, hand in hand, not saying a word. Shepard didn’t want to ruin the peaceful atmosphere in the mess hall but there was still one question she was dying to ask. She pulled her fingers from his grip and clasped the now cold mug in her hands.

“Why didn’t you try to contact me? I mean, I know you sent me that _lovely_ message and all, but after that you kind of left me hanging.”

“But I…” Kaidan’s face looked confused momentarily before exhaling a quiet chuckle.

“You what?”

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.” She didn’t know what he was thinking but didn’t press the matter any further.

“Well what about Earth? It’s not like it was a secret that I was being held in Vancouver and when I saw you there I couldn’t understand why you never came to see me.”

“Shepard, you were under twenty-four hour supervision, they wouldn’t let me anywhere near you.”

She struggled to suppress the grin that threatened her face. So he had tried to see her.

“Yeah, I guess I didn’t think about that. Just thought maybe Anderson would make an exception for you.”

“I’m a Major, I think Anderson was the only thing stopping me.”

“You think Anderson stopped you from seeing me?” She was furious at the Admiral for a second before she remembered the first time he’d come to see her.

_You look like shit, Shepard, you need to pull yourself together. You don’t want people seeing you like this._

Had he meant Kaidan?

“I dunno. All I know is that every time I asked, the Alliance always spewed out some poor excuse as to why I couldn’t know where you were.”

She should have been grateful; she never wanted Kaidan to see her like that. There was still one thing that Shepard couldn’t get off her mind. The guilt had been eating away at her ever since she made the spiteful comment.

“Kaidan, about what I said in the shuttle bay, about Virmire, I didn’t mean it. I – “

“Shepard, it’s ok, we both said a lot of things we didn’t mean.”

She glanced up at Kaidan and gave him a curt nod in understanding. She’d said everything she’d wanted to say but somehow things didn’t feel much better. She still felt some resentment towards the Major and she wondered if she always would.

“You realise I’m probably never going to forget what happened on Horizon, right?”

“But, everything you just said, what we just discussed, I thought that…”

“You thought that just because I told you how I felt it would magically go away?” She wished it would. “I hate to break it to you, Kaidan, but that’s not how it works.”

She stood up from the table. She’d done as he asked and spilled her guts to him and now she was done. She wanted to leave before Kaidan so she didn’t have the chance to grab that bottle of whiskey to help her forget this whole evening.

“I didn’t expect that. But, I still care about you, Shepard.”

“I’m sorry, Kaidan.” She all but ran to the door, away from him, away from this whole God damn situation. She wanted to be with him again, she still loved him no matter how much she tried to deny it, but she knew in her heart she wouldn’t make it through this. She was going to die, she could feel it. She’d been given enough chances in her life with Saren and the Collectors. Hell, she’d been physically resurrected. But there was no coming back from this one and she didn’t want to lose Kaidan again. She couldn’t bear the idea of saying goodbye to him.

The last thing she heard before the elevator doors closed behind her was the shatter of a mug against a wall.


	4. What She Needs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan gives up in battle and Shepard’s not happy about it.

_This is it,_ Kaidan thought, _I’m finally gonna die._

He didn’t know how much blood he was losing and he couldn’t bring himself to look down at his stomach to see. Where had that engineer even come from? He shouldn’t have moved off on his own, stupidly trying to impress Shepard with his new skills, he was pathetic. That damn turret had pierced straight through his armour as he dove to take cover behind a conveniently placed crate.

That’s when he’d seen the Atlas turn the corner in front of him. He could never take one on his own at the height of fitness let alone with a bullet hole in his gut. He noticed the blood pooling and running off away from his feet. Kaidan closed his eyes in defeat and prayed that his end came swift and painless.

Shepard’s voice crackled through his com.

“Kaidan, what the hell are you doing?! Get up!”

He could see her standing off to the side, hidden from the sight of the giant mech.

“Just go, Shepard, there’s too many!”

At least she would make it out, Vega wouldn’t allow her to stay behind.

“Like hell am I going. Get the fuck up, Major!”

Kaidan could tell she was pissed; the fury in her voice, the pure wrath in her face.

“Shepard, I can’t.”

It was too late, the Atlas had seen him and was turning to get the perfect shot on him. He closed his eyes again.

_Good, focus on me, let her go._

“Don’t you dare touch him!”

She’d moved to stand in front of where he lay slouched against the crate. He forgot how ferocious she could be on the battlefield, always so protective of her crew. Before the mech had time to get a shot on her she’d drained its shield to boost her own and threw a frag grenade right into the cracked window of the pilot’s seat. Kaidan would never tire of watching this woman in battle.

The Atlas burst into a violent explosion, metal and fire flying everywhere.

“Normandy, we need an evac, now!”

Shepard crouched down beside him to look at the wound.

“Shep - ”

“Shut up.” She wouldn’t look at him.

Vega’s voice came through their earpieces.

“Shuttle’s here, Commander. You want help with the Major?”

“No. He’s fine.”

* * *

 

“You’re lucky, Alenko, it was just a deep graze. Maybe if you’d decided to evaluate the wound yourself you’d have known that.”

Chakwas gave Kaidan a sly smile and he looked down, blushing at how stupid he’d been. He couldn’t believe he’d overreacted at such a small thing. Shepard was standing in the med bay with them but had yet to say a word. The doctor looked between the two of them.

“I’ll go check on Lieutenant Vega, he’s seems to have an allergy to this place. You,” She pointed at Kaidan, “stay put. It’s about time I did a check up on your amp.”

The doors hissed closed and he and Shepard were left alone. She hadn’t left, which he guessed was a good sign, but she hadn’t said anything or looked at him either. He knew that whatever he said she wouldn’t like it so he kept his mouth firmly shut while she stared out the window into the empty mess hall.

They stayed like this for a good five or ten minutes; the silence almost becoming pleasant. It gave him time to think over their last conversation in the mess hall the other night. As hard as it had been for Kaidan to hear all those things from her he knew it was a good thing. She was finally talking to him, being honest, and it didn’t matter how brutal it was because he needed to know how she felt. And quite frankly he deserved everything she threw at him. At least he’d finally found out that Shepard had never received the messages he’d sent her. As frustrating as it was to know that Cerberus, probably Miranda, had blocked them, it was a huge relief to know that she hadn’t ignored him. He felt so guilty for assuming she’d wanted nothing more to do with him after Horizon.

“Why did you give up?”

The quiet voice from across the room startled him from his thoughts. Not quite understanding her question he stayed silent. She turned around to face him, pain in her eyes and…tears?

“You just lay there and gave up. I saw it. You closed your eyes and waited for that mech to kill you.”

“I didn’t give up.” They both knew he was lying. “I wanted to protect you.”

Kaidan knew how stupid those words were even more than Shepard. She didn’t need protecting. Commander Shepard never needed anyone’s protection. She frowned at him, causing a tear to roll down her cheek which she promptly wiped away with the back of her hand. Before she had time to comment on his ill thought out remark he opened his mouth to explain.

“You’re the priority. Always. The galaxy needs _you_. Imagine if it came out that Commander Shepard died because she had to come save the ass of her useless Major.”

Kaidan chuckled at the thought but Shepard’s face didn’t change, still a mixture of confusion and annoyance.

“Does anyone ever think about what I need? Do you think I want to be here doing this?” She was practically spitting the words out at him. “Everything and everyone seems to rely on me and I hate it.”

His heart ached for her and all he wanted to do was take the pain she felt away. As he looked at the woman before him he realised that this wasn’t the Commander Shepard he’d met three years ago. And Kaidan finally understood it wasn’t because Cerberus had rebuilt her or changed her, it was because she has the weight of the entire galaxy resting on her shoulders at all times. Kaidan spent his sleepless nights with a bad migraine at worst whereas Shepard spent hers constantly going over mission reports, figuring out how to cure the genophage or worrying about political bullshit. Simply put, she’d lost her patience with the world.

“What is it that you need then, Shepard? Let me help you.” Kaidan pleaded with her.

Shepard’s eyes soften slightly at the edges and she walked over to where he was sitting on the med bay bed. Her hair was messed up, evidence from their latest battle showed all over her scarred face and armour, and she had dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep but Kaidan thought she had never looked more beautiful. When she raised her hand to lightly cup his cheek he began to wonder if he had in fact died at the hands Cerberus and he was now experiencing the paradise of the afterlife.

“I need _you_ , Kaidan. That’s why you can’t do shit like this. I lost you once before, even though you hadn’t died, and I screwed everything up.”

Kaidan leaned into her soft touch as she ran her thumb over his cheekbone. Right there, in that moment, nothing else mattered. He forgot about everything; the Reapers, Earth, Horizon. All he needed was this woman.

And then she was gone. Turning her back on him to leave. Kaidan stood up and grabbed her wrist.

“Wait, where are you going?”

There was hope; she’d given him hope that things could get better between them. He wasn’t going to let it go that easily.

“I should get out of this armour.”

Kaidan couldn’t let this go on any longer. It was now or never. If today had shown him anything it’s that they could die at any moment, they might not even live to see the final battle against the Reapers. He pulled Shepard to him gently and smiled inwardly when she didn’t resist him. He moved both his hands up to cup her face and looked into her exhausted eyes.

“I’m so sorry. For everything. Not just for the things I’ve done to you, but for everything you’ve had to go through. I wish I could take it all away, I really do.”

A tear fell from Shepard’s eye and he moved his thumb to swipe it away. Her hands moved to his waist and rested comfortably on his hips, pulling him closer so that their bodies barely touched. He wanted to remember this moment forever, to drown in it, his Shepard was finally clawing her way back to him. He rested his forehead on hers and let his eyes fall shut, allowing himself to inhale the scent of her that he’d missed, _craved_ , so much in these past few years without her. He ached to kiss her, to feel her soft lips on his again, but he wanted it to be on her terms. He was terrified of pushing her away, but as he felt Shepard’s head tilt slowly up towards his he knew he prayers had been answered. He leaned his head slightly one way, tenderly nuzzling his nose against hers, before moving his –

“Commander, Admiral Hackett’s on vidcom in the war room for you.”

He was going to kill Joker. Kaidan gave out a frustrated sigh as Shepard pulled away, the whole situation too reminiscent of their first almost-kiss on the SR-1, and he wondered if Joker had made it his job to piss them off. But she was smiling at him. A smile he hadn’t seen since the last night they’d spent together before the Normandy’s destruction. It was a smile that told him they’d finish this later.

“I’ll see you later, Major.”

“Aye-aye, Ma’am.”


End file.
